Sometimes it's truly difficult to do what I do. I know it doesn't seem like much, and most days all I can say is "you're not alone". It's hardest when I know my angels are crying and their hearts are breaking and I just want to go all rabid big sister on whomever it is that has hurt them this time but I'm just me, the geek behind the curtain. I welcome them, I virtually hold their hands, wipe the tears, and when needed enforce the rules and become the "heavy" . And that's where it starts. Suddenly I'm heartless, a bully and insensitive to other peoples' needs.
I recently took a week long break from it all because I was getting overwhelmed. I didn't realize I would be losing a friend because of the space I needed. June 5th was when I got the definitive news this bone damage is permanent and will get more painful and crippling as I get older. See I knew who I was when I "just" had Endo. Then I got informed that I have Fibro, ok so here I am the woman with "just" endo becoming a medical newb all over again and then my bones hurt. We got a storm that had me laid up until the weather pressure ended and at the point where my meds weren't working to even take the edge off. I usually tell my lovlies at this point to "document the new symptom and see your doctor". So biting my cheek at the irony I documented and saw my doctor. It didn't hit until later that evening when I helped resolve an issue for another and realized I just can't do this right now. I'm no help while I haven't wrapped my head around this news. So I logged for 7 days. Even had it marked on the calender. The ladies that work with me knew what I was dealing with, and all but one understood. I guess what she needed was more important than what I was trying to deal with. So after the 5th "i want, i need, and can you" at 3am I turned my phone off. And "selfishly" took my space, and came to terms with my limitations. Not completely but enough so I could keep doing what I do. I logged, and next thing I know- this person that I relied on, who my angels relied on- "took her bat and went home" because she didn't get her way. I opened the office to see " i have personal issues and will be quitting" or something to that affect and a rude note in my inbox. This person did this when she knew most of us were away from our comps for the day. So I simply told her that the timing was interesting ;) And got a rude reply. This is someone I had been on the phone with 24 hours a day, verbally being there for her, and her kids over this last year. I was invested. I was heartbroken.
So a week goes by. And out of the blue I get 6 texts in a 2 minute period. " I want, I need and can you" No explanation, no communication for a week and then BAM. I ignored them. It didn't stop there, got the exact same texts from her youngest at 9pm. after the " i want, I need and can you" was posted to group. And answered in group. By quite a few people. So as I happen to adore this youngin, I replied with the same responses I had in group. Professionally, because this is my profession. Next day the harassing calls started. I changed my cell number, and hated having to do it. No, it wasn't from this now non-friend but from one of her youngins. So my heart broke a little more. And there it is folks, I'm only human. Even I can only take so much. Today I found the reflection of this side of me and I'm not quite sure if I like it. I would much rather be the geek behind the curtain, not this shadow of a woman who is endo,fibro and broken.